I can’t do anything right. I have like one best friend right now who is MIA. Everything is just building up. To make matters worse, I was just watching a movie that has a scene where a group of friends find out that one of them died. It may be more than a year later, but I can relive and feel that pain again on a moment’s notice. I’ve learnt how to live with it by now, but its still bad. Its apparent that this is the hardest time of my life thus far. When are things going to get better? I refuse to try and “let go” or forget about you which is what countless people have told me. I’m not going to go back to smoking ciggs or tree like I initially did. I use alcohol every now and then, but that doesn’t last long. I remember trying to contact a bunch of your other friends with details on the wake and the funeral and some didn’t respond or show up at all. I understand that its hard to deal with, I mean you were my best friend. Do you know what it was like looking at you in the casket? Being a pallbearer? It was about being there and paying respects. I’m sure some of them did their own things and I’m being pretty insensitive. The thing is, some people neglected or refused to deal with it because it was hard and again I get that. I refuse to do that though. You deserve better. I would rather live a miserable life, have that hole in my heart, and have that frequent pain in my chest and stomach. A year later I’m still struggling with dealing with everything. This has been a pretty shitty weak overall. Recently I’ve just been trying to be really nice to everyone I talk to and the few people I text and trying to act happy. No one has really asked, but I guess thats not something you ask about and everyone has their own problems after all. I’ve been a shit person in the past though so I guess this could be my bad karma coming around. I’m not going to lie, things are going so bad that I’ve gotten pretty sentimental (might have always been idk). I’ve also been watching a drama. Anyways, I’ve been hoping for a girl to love to show up. I’m weird, I don’t believe in learning to love people. Love can definitely grow almost from scratch, but I feel like there are only certain people that can really resonate with you and the people you are able to love are predestined. That being said, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t deserve her right now anyways. I’m done trying to pick up the pieces of who I used to be, how do you do a puzzle when you don’t know what the pieces or the end product looks like? Instead i’m just trying to be the person I want to be. Its definitely not easy though. The number one thing is, I really really hate myself when I do something that harms another person or animal in anyway. Even the smallest thing. Anyhow, this is long lol. I’m going to a salon during the weekend to dye my hair again and hopefully it turns out alright (never thought I would say that). I’m also gonna order some skin care stuff, sheet masks, and bb cream lololol (that either). My mom and her pageant past have always pestered me to take care of myself and I might be going overboard but it feels pretty good lol.
It honestly really pisses me off. He prioritizes going out and spitting game at girls over helping our little cousin with something really important. This is something he does repeatedly. Sometimes going out instead of helping mom with something. My other brother is somewhat the same, but not to the same degree. I guess we just all ended up with different priorities.